The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
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