Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
