I cannot find my penis.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
