i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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