hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
