That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
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