I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Randomize
