you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
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