Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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