Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
