He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
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