i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
two words...techno handjob
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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