I'm so fucking centered right now
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
