blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Randomize