He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Randomize
