Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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