My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
There's always time for handjobs
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
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