Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Randomize
