I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
my nose is crying tears of wow.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
