my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
