the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
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