What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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