Have fun with your cool freestyling girlfriend!
She can rap better than you any day
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
