I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize