I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
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