I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
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