mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I just want to make out with him forever
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Randomize
