pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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