If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize