Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
