why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Randomize
