even my farts smell like vagina
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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