Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
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