"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
