im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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