I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
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