i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
