Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize