Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
