a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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