I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Randomize
