I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
