Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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