Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
