I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
