Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
