I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
organizing the empties. That sober.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Randomize
