make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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