in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Randomize
