ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize