I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
