I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
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