Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Randomize
