she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Watching her eat just hurts me
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
