Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
