naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
Randomize
