omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
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