I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
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