i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
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