May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
