wanna go halves on a baby?
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
