Where are you?
In a non slutty way
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize