I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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