So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
