So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
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