6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
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