so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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