Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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