we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
