it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
